"Desire: It's Like a River"
That’s an actual quote from my last therapist.
Once, my therapist equated my desire for a particular woman to a river. I had already had a partner when I developed feelings for another woman and though I didn't want to cross any boundaries in my relationship, I couldn't help my intense burgeoning desire. Sonni, my therapist, made me take a deep breath, gave me the space to feel all my wanting, and said, “think of these feelings like a beautiful river. You can enjoy the view, you can even put your feet in the water, but you don’t have to let it sweep you away”. At the time, I don’t think I fully understood her metaphor. I walked away thinking, “how the fuck is a river supposed to get rid of these feelings?” ... I ended up letting that particular river of desire sweep me away.
So what happens when we deeply yearn for things, people, or habits we know won’t fulfill us? What happens when impulse fights to take over? And what does it look like to dig deeper to find where our more honest desires lie?
In the past few years, I’ve put my attractions under a microscope - specifically reflecting on the types of people, things, and feelings I find myself pining after and how those have shifted over the seasons.
In my early 20’s I had a lot of crushes on people with whom I knew it wouldn’t work. In fact, I openly partook in relationships with people I knew weren’t good for me. I was living the dictionary definition of “fuck around & find out” knowing damn well that heartache was behind those doors anyway. But despite the pain from those relationships, I took solace knowing I wasn’t alone in my experiences. Many of us have done the same thing, as we often learn to gauge what is right for us after experiencing what isn't. And I’m happy to report that I’ve gone from dating people who are outright unkind to me to dating people who are far more generous than I could’ve ever expected.
Regardless of the reason behind those past draws (I got my shit), and the more I’ve reflected on my current trajectory, it's clear that a lot has changed since then (thank God). But every now and again I still catch myself at the crossroads of succumbing to imprinted attractions, or taking a patient pause. To foster connections with people I know won't be a good fit, to neglect my nourishment and yield to cravings, to let instant indulgence win, or to just sit and feel for a moment.
It’s in these same moments that I recall what Sonni was trying to tell me all those years ago: When we take a step back to create time and space between ourselves and our lusts, we invite in opportunities to see a more complete picture of our desires, and to act in accordance with our real intentions and our deeper values.
Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe that instant gratification is exactly what’s called for sometimes. But taking a moment to hear our hearts and observe the flow of the current (rather than jumping in headfirst before realizing you don’t actually feel like treading water) is never a bad idea.
Sometimes, walking away from the front door of our longing feels like trudging upstream through the Nile in lead boots. But when we take our first steps down the bridge of a more thoughtful path, we just might find a view even more breathtaking, waters that are even more clear, and doors that are wide open to us.
